Cruel

I hate racism. I hate it when Indonesian people mocking Chinese people, I hate it when Chinese people mocking Indonesian people. No one's right for me.
Me ? I'm not 100% Chinese. I just found out that race is something important to my family.

I had a boyfriend. He's a year younger than me and he's Indonesian and a Muslim. We had been together for 2 years and 3 months. I know maybe some of you think that it was a short period but for me, it was my whole time, whole life, and everything. I'm not exaggerating but this is my true feelings. I love him so much. He treats me very well, full of affection, though sometimes (or often) I mean to him. I easily get mad and can't control my emotion. I've been so rude to him many times. I rarely apologize but he always forgive me. He always care about me.

I've never find a man like him.

Here's the problem. My parents won't let their children date Indonesian guy or a Muslim. That means, I can't marry an Indonesian guy. If they just won't let me date a Muslim not because the race, I can deal with it. Because in my opinion we should marry a person with the same faith. But they are concerned about the race. I can deal with them about the religion difference but the race ? It makes me sick considering that my mom isn't 100% Chinese. I hate it. So much.

I don't know who to blame.

With tons of guilty and heavily I leave him.. I even tried several times to get him to hate me, but he wasn't affected at all. I can't stand it, hearing he's complaining about 'we have to meet secretly', seeing him depressed keep thinking about our future, I can't promise him even one thing. I pretend to not to care, I hang out more often with my friends, trying so hard to not to think about him, about the memories, everything about him. It hurts me more instead. I thought I was over him, then I realized I've lied to myself. When I'm alone, I start to think about it. I cry myself to sleep every night. I'm so afraid.

I'm afraid I wouldn't find a man who can love me like you do.

"The worst part is that when you're done and you think you're safe, your emotions just follow you. It seems you can’t escape."

This is the most hard good bye in my life. Ever.



Sorry if this post bothers you all.